Diary of a Mad Romance Author

It’s been a snowy, wet, cold Monday here and I’ve only written three *#&! pages, so I’m not a hugely happy camper. However, this did put a smile on my face, remarks from head Veep Dick Cheney’s speech at the Gridion dinner:

From the Daily Standard

Terry Hunt of AP wants to know, "Has Senator Kerry had Botox treatments?"

Terry, I have some guidance on that from Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz:
"The Administration takes this development seriously. Botox, of course, is related to the botulism toxin, which can be processed into high-grade biological weapons. We have dispatched Dr. David Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden in Senator Kerry's forehead. If Senator Kerry has used botox as part of a wrinkle enrichment program, he is in violation of U.N. Resolution 752. Upon receiving Dr. Kay's report, the weapons of mass destruction that Senator Kerry so adamantly insists do not exist . . . may well be above his very nose." End of statement.

Who knew that Chaney was such a yuckster? Did anybody else guess that? I'm just tickled about that, and if he's really not that funny, please don't disillusion me, leave me in denial...

And one more thing, I'm having a contest this month to give away one copy of IT SHOULD HAPPEN TO YOU, PLUS a case of Girl Scout cookies!! Everyone who is on my newsletter list will be automagically entered. Click here to enter

Well, they did it. They convicted Martha. All across America, downtrodden housewives are rejoicing in their sweatpants. The Wicked Witch with Ten Tips for A Cleaner Closet is going to the big house, where the closets are empty and the decorating is all done in stripes.

It’s not that I have a great animus for Martha, heck, I don’t even know her. But I’m well acquainted with dust and grime, and any woman who makes it her life mission to shame me in my squalor is no friend of mine.

Did you hear about Michael Eisner? No, no, no. I’ll save that for another day when I’m procrastinating as well.

Okay, feel better now. Thank you for listening. Now I must write (did you really think I was going to go clean house????)

I’ve been watching the keywords for my website to see what people are looking for when they happen upon my site. The number one answer seems to be gentleman’s clubs of London. I don’t know if they’re looking for adult entertainment or my article on the clubs from the Regency, but hey, they made it to my site, so maybe they’ll buy a book. <g>

One of the things that people have queried (no one actually asks about this other than nosy relatives or other writers) is money. So, today I’m going to talk about money.

Two definitions to learn: advances and royalties.

• Royalties are the money paid to the author for each copy of the book sold. This usually runs between 6-10% of the cover price. Royalties are paid out starting about a year after the book hits the shelves.


• Advances are monies paid to an author in advance of the book’s publication, usually when the book is turned in. Advances for a first time romance author can range from $2000 (this is low) to $4500 (average) to $10,000 (high-average) and more (this it the publishing equivalent of hitting the lottery).

Romance authors have a huge advantage over non-romance authors, mainly because the number of romances released outnumbers all other fiction books released by 2:1. Thus, a romance author can actually make a LIVING WAGE as a writer, which is attractive to most people when they are considering a career. And the other cool thing about romance? A good writer can make a steady living as well. Romance is the bread and butter of the publishing industry and thus, good romances are always in demand.

The more books an author has sold, the higher the advances will go. Obviously, best-selling authors get best-selling advances, but again, a good writer with a steady increase in sales, can make a solid living (i.e. no yachts) from romance.

If you’re considering becoming a writer for the money – don’t. Odds are small you’ll get published, and it takes many years for authors to turn into “over-night successes”. However, if you have talent and time and the inclination, and have a hide thick enough to get you through the rejection phase, then maybe this career is for you after all.

Well, sure enough, advertising has started to seep into fiction. First Faye Weldon with Bulgari diamonds, and now Carole Matthews by pushing the Ford Fiesta. Faye definitely got the better deal (have you ever driven a Fiesta?).

I think this is a grand idea and anyone that wants to be pay me to be included in my books, drop me a line. I do product endorsements and also roman a clef if you want to be know as the "It-Girl" of insert your home town here. In fact, I'd be willing to create a whole fictional character loosely based on you for the right price. You couldn't buy this sort of exposure. Oh, yeah, I guess you could .

Happy Wednesday. It's Springtime in New York and there's no better place to be.

Kathleen

# posted by Kathleen : 9:30 AM

I considered writing about writing today, but it wasn’t exciting, so I don’t think you want to hear about it. In search of something cool to talk about, I scanned my various sources and found nothing that I wanted to write about. The Oscar’s were a snooze-fest, the #1 movie in the box office had subtitles, there’s been a lot of gay marriages (I think that’s an oxymoron) and there’s a revolution in Haiti (yawn).

You’d think something exciting would happen, but the Oscars had a five-second delay and Howard Stern is off the air in some markets. Let’s face it. We’ve been censored and now life is dull. Even Tim Robbins kept his remarks completely PC and sympathetic. How sad is that, that even those that we hope will -- nay, even those we depend on to give us a target for jokes, remain silent and hushed, cowed by the Monty Python foot of the FCC.

The bustier has been popped and there’s no stuffing that genie back in the bottle. I think in protest, tonight I’ll turn off my TV and read a good book. I suggest you all do the same.

Every writer has his or her own dreams of success. For some, it's the NY Times list, for some, it's the six figure advance, for some, it's simply being published. I think, for me, it's getting to be an Oprah pick, which is so sad because I don't have a chance in hell.

I watched her biography yesterday and realized what a fabulous woman she is, and how in a culture of cheap smarminess, she is the genuine article, but I'd love to sit down and chat with her about her choice in books... How naive she is in her story choices.

The big question? Who says that someone must always die? You know, Shakespeare wrote some really good stuff, and people didn't have to die all the time. I admit, he's more famous for the tragic stuff, but still...

Charles Dickens, there's another one. He was having a rip-roaring good time, and some critic said to him, "Well, nobody dies," and Charles thought about this and wrote A Tale of Two Cities. And now it's quoted everywhere, "Tis a far, far better story I wrote when I had this guy die." Very cleverly, he slid right past the death rule when he wrote A Christmas Carol, which only has a dream-death, which isn't the same as a true, throw yourself on the cross death (i.e. The Passion of Christ, which illustrates my point beautifully)

I could name a gazillion authors who will refuse to write a story unless it contains death. Stephen King, James Patterson, Barbara Kingsolver. Anybody can write a great story if they put death in it, but I'm throwing down the gauntlet here. Write a great story WITHOUT death and let's see how far talent alone gets you....

Pathos here, pathos there, pathos is lining the shelves of bookstores and libraries everywhere. Well, I'm here to say STOP THE DEATH! Talk to your local librarian, say, "Excuse me, do you have any books where nobody dies?" Write to your favor authors and say, "I'm feeling a little off-death now. Can you write something a bit cheerier? Something where somebody can actually complete a character arc without bloodshed of either a) a brother, sister, child, father, mother b) favored teacher c) friend who nobody EVER suspected was suicidal."

How much happier would the world be with a cheerful Oprah pick? Think of the good we could do. Next time you see a book that involves the death of a main character, or revolves around someone putting his/her/it’s life together after the death of a child/mother/owner, challenge yourself to walk by it. Hold your head high. It's time we said no to death in literature. Before there are no live characters left in literature at all.

I've been working on writing my 2005 (at least I THINK it's 2005, I still don't know that for a fact, but that's not a whine you're interested in) book and have been having a good time with it. So far, in the name of research I have:

1) received a facial at Elizabeth Arden
2) eaten at Le Cirque
3) had hair cut at Frederic Fekkai
And it's a tax write-off, too. God, I love this city.

While out working today (Starbucks is a great place to write. Hey, if a coffee-shop worked for JK Rowling, it can work for me, too), I stopped at Target and noticed my book is ACTUALLY on the shelf. Was going to sign the ones on the shelf, but then realized that I forgot to bring "autographed copy" stickers with me (told you I was klutz at this promo stuff). Next time, I'll do that, and hopefully store security will not apprehend me for defacing the merchandise.